Home in 6 parts
by dropdeadred
Summary: Voyager is home. What was it that drove a wedge been the captain and Chakotay?
1. Default Chapter

  
Part One  
DISCLAIMER : All things Trek belong to Paramount, this story is mine. I have borrowed some dialogue from "Timeless," and I humbly thank TPTB, although they will never read this anyhow, and I could rip off an entire script and they probably would never know. But seeing as this is fanfiction and there's no profit anyhow, who cares? I also thank Jeri Taylor for _Mosaic_, which is an invaluable tool for writing Janeway.   


_A thousand years, you said,   
as our hearts melted.  
__I look at the hand you held,  
and the ache is hard to bear. _

Admiral Kathryn Janeway sat down at the crest of the dune, pulling her wrap about her as the chill breeze from the ocean caught her. She sighed and looked up at the night sky. Two starships made their way across the field of her vision, and tiny lights on the moon blinked as the people up there got on with their work. It was such a busy sky, not at all like the vastness of the Delta Quadrant where they had journeyed, at times, for weeks without meeting a soul. 

It didn't seem like five years since Voyager had returned to the Alpha Quadrant and to Earth. The memories of that time were still fresh in her mind. The hushed expectancy on board, excitement but an added seriousness for the many farewells that were made that day. Kathryn, however, had felt surprisingly little excitement at that time. Instead a hollowness had begun deep within her as she saw her crew, her family, off the ship. Even now, years later, she would wake in the night surprised to find a stationary sky outside her window, and missing the reassuring hum of her ship's engines. A dull ache began in her gut as always did when she dwelled on her time on Voyager. 

Their return had been triumphant, but Kathryn had seen through the parties and the official appearances as if from a distance. The Maquis had all been pardoned, and all of her crew highly commended. She had been promoted to Admiral, but it was in numbness that she accepted the distinction, and in numbness she continued her duties. She had been so happy that last night in the Delta Quadrant, feeling as if all of her troubles were about to be lifted clean from her shoulders. Being the Captain for five straight years with no down time had been steadily changing her. She had felt Kathryn slowly fading in the shadow of Captain Janeway and was powerless to do anything about it as long as their journey stretched ahead, the Captain's responsibility. The Captain had been a lonely woman, especially since Kathryn had loved company, loved having her friends close by, but the Captain had to keep everybody far enough away to be sure she could keep a clear focus on the larger goal. She did not want to be content on Voyager, she had to be simply the strongest force driving them home. She owed them all that much after what she had done to them. 

These thoughts would dizzy her and chase away sleep every night. Every night for those five long years she had forced down her most basic needs for companionship and domestic happiness in favour of the Captain's distanced clear-sightedness. And then had come Arturis and the Dauntless, which had shaken her hard, but the experience had not been without its merits. They had been able to work on the slipstream modifications that had been made to Voyager, a long and arduous process, but a project with eventual stunning success. And so she had found herself striding down the corridor with Chakotay, confetti in her hair, and an uncontrollable giddiness in her stomach. 

  
She remembered as if it were yesterday, the walk through Engineering. Remembered her shoulder firmly against Chakotay's as they chattered happily. She also remembered the exact moment of her decision. 

"_Do you have any dinner plans?"   
"Nothing special. Date with a replicator."   
"Cancel it. That's an order!" If all went as planned, that was the last of the Captain he would see. And she had strode quickly away for fear she would change her mind. He had arrived later in the evening, prepared to talk about the slipstream. _

She smiled sadly to herself as she recalled her excitement that night. She had so looked forward to leveling with Chakotay as Kathryn and not as the Captain, that when it had come to it she had felt like a teenager on a first date. 

_"I didn't know you could cook,"   
"Normally I draw the line at a pot of coffee. But tonight is a special occasion." Her hand was almost shaking as she poured the wine.   
"Oh?"   
"Our last night in the Delta Quadrant. I'd say that's special enough." _

The breeze was getting colder, and her wrap seemed to provide little protection now, but lost in thought she remained. When it had come down to it she had been scared at how difficult it was to actually stop being the Captain. 

_"We launch tomorrow at 0800." She had shied away from the task at hand. "You and Harry will be in the Delta Flyer. Voyager will be right behind you."   
"The crew will be pleased."   
"What about you Chakotay? What do you think of my decision?" She was desperate to go to him, tell him that the time had come, but the Captain yet stubbornly refused to retreat. For a second she thought he had sensed her purpose, there had been something in his eyes, but he replied,   
"I've analyzed Harry's flight plan. The theory is sound, but there are just too many variables. If something goes wrong in that slipstream..." his voice had trailed off.   
"It could be our only chance to use the quantum drive."   
"True, but if you showed this data to any Starfleet engineer they'd think we were out of our minds. We can find another way home. We've waited this long..."   
"Long enough." That had come out sharper than she'd planned. She was saying the right words, but in response to the wrong questions. "We've waited long enough. I know it's a risk...probably our biggest yet...but I'm willing to take it." Oh if only she could say those words at the right time! "Are you with me?" _

And that's where it had happened. He had responded to her as Kathryn, not the Captain, always his weakness. He had suspected what was going on, now she couldn't back down. 

_They had relaxed almost immediately, their friendly, intimate rapport reasserted. Nervously she rose from the table.   
"Speaking of risks, " she couldn't believe her lame segue even to this day. "Are you ready to try some home cooking?" She had placed a hand on his shoulder, not an unusual gesture, but tonight she felt charged, and she wondered if he felt it when she touched him.   
"I'll alert sickbay." The way he smiled up at her had almost melted her. Instinctively she had reached up and touched his face, unable to drag her eyes from his. She had lingered there when she should have moved, and the fascinated look on her face had finally told him what her words could not.   
"Kathryn?" he reached up and covered her hand with his.   
"Yes?" Barely a whisper, her eyes did not leave his. They had stayed like that, eyes locked, for an inordinate length of time, the only movement her heaving chest. Chakotay had blinked and broken their trance, and she had gone to move away but found her hand held fast. His arms had gone around her waist from his sitting position and he had clung to her tightly. _

Kathryn shivered. She imagined she could still feel the texture of his hair under her palm as she had stroked his head, could still smell him. The wind had picked up, and it whipped her long hair about her face, blinding her. She was dimly aware of the tears in her eyes and the tightening pain in her gut. Chakotay had been so happy, so relieved. He had never really believed her excuses, always held a little resentment for the way she kept pushing him away, but that she had been true to herself and to him in the end had meant far more to him than she could have imagined. She allowed the tears to run freely now. That night they had been buoyant on their high spirits and the excitement of finally being together. Unable to sleep they had talked, touched and kissed and talked until the early hours. They had finally fallen asleep sprawled together on her couch, and it had felt like Christmas morning when they awoke. 

A little over a year later she had contacted Starfleet and requested that her commission be made inactive, and she had not returned to duty in the four years since. After just six months on earth they had parted. And it had been all her fault. She couldn't put the Captain of Voyager to rest, even when she found she disliked the person she had become. She had found herself playing a role, as if she were acting every day. It took constant effort to act as she should, to say the right things, to make the right choices. She was constantly melancholy and she could see it was tearing Chakotay up, neither of them knowing why she was so sad. She began to quietly fester, resenting what her time on Voyager had done to her. She barely knew herself any more. So long in the service of those she had stranded out there in the Delta Quadrant, and still she had thought that things would somehow magically be alright, just as long as they got home. A slow resentment had grown within her, and the day she looked at Chakotay over the breakfast table and cursed the fact that he had been the Maquis she had been tracking that day, was the day she left. She had retired to this beach-house alone, leaving Chakotay only a note to ask him please not to look for her. An involuntary sob escaped her but was lost in the noises of the wind through the dune grasses and crash of the ocean. It had been a difficult decision but she had decided it would be best that way. She had gone through her records and amended her details so she could not be found, then simply disappeared. 

  
***  
That had been four years ago, four long years of anger, pain and frustration, but of healing and growing also. Her tears were dry now and she smiled to herself that she could once again feel these emotions. She had been desolate when she had left Chakotay, plunged into the deepest depression from which she thought she would never emerge, deeper than when her father had died, feeling nothing but empty. Slowly, however, she had begun to rediscover herself, to rediscover Kathryn. She had begun to paint again, even to write, had kept to herself and learned to like again who she was, and now she felt it was time - time to move onwards and outwards. 

To this effect she had placed a call that afternoon. How would he react after all this time? What could she expect from this man, whom she had done both so right and so wrong by? Would he even come at all?? This thought chilled her. He had to come. She had left him a brief message. Hello Chakotay, she'd said, then nothing for an age. Please, I know I have no right, but....I need to see you. She'd left her address here and a time of 2000 hours. Glancing at her chronometer she registered it was not even 1900. She sighed and stood, the thin white dress and shawl she was wearing flapped in the wind as she turned, and came face to face with Chakotay. 

On to Part Two 

Lines of Poetry : LADY HEGURI, translated from the Japanese by Geoffrey Bowness and Anthony Thwaite.


	2. Home:2

**HOME**  
Part Two 

_If I should go away,   
Beloved, do not say  
'He has forgotten me'.  
For you abide,  
A singing rib within my dreaming side;  
You always stay. _

"Hello Kathryn," Chakotay murmured. He couldn't trust his voice any further. As soon as he had received her message he had boarded the first available transport. The anger and indignance prompting his haste had long since dissipated, and now he was left weary, to be shaken by the mere sight of her after all this time. He felt so many conflicting emotions that for a long time he could only stand and stare dumbly. He felt wired, as if every muscle and sinew were stretched to breaking point. He wanted to touch her, but he wanted to hate her; he wanted to beg her to come home, but he wanted to protect himself from her, and to punish her, make her feel something of the agony she had inflicted on him. Chakotay stood, arms by his sides, fists clenched, silenced by the raucous mob of emotions engulfing him. When she had first left he had imagined all manner of terrible things, and seeing her here alive and well caused his anger to well up once more. He could see from her expression that this was not lost on her, and so for a while he said nothing. 

"You came.....thank you for coming."  
He barely heard her quiet words over the roar from the surf.  
"Won't you come up to the house?"  
Much as he wanted his questions answered, even wanted to be with her still, something inside him revolted against being inside, alone with her. He took hold of her arm as she tried to pass him and she shrunk from the contact. That hurt, and he snatched his hand back.   
"Let's stay out here for a while. It's a nice night." His pleasantries were forced, but he knew that on her turf he had a strategy to play. That's if he really knew her any more, his own bitter thoughts interjected. He had thought that he knew her, understood her, better than he did himself. In her he thought he had discovered that missing component that made him complete, and when she had disappeared he had been assailed by such doubts, had had his foundations rocked so thoroughly, that for a while he wondered whether he had ever really known anything for sure, and was certainly convinced that he never would again. 

They sat on the cold sand a respectable distance from one another. Chakotay pulled his knees up and wrapped his arms about them, squinting at the moon's reflection on the water, waiting for her to speak. His anger welled up again, and he tried to analyse it, put the tumult into words. He was angry because she sounded no different than when he last saw her, angry that she was alright, angry that she'd called and he'd come running.   
"I don't really know where to start. You must be very mad with me." He saw her turn to face him and shook his head. Surely she knew that all he wanted to know at this point was why? He'd had a long time to think about it, and he knew that she suspected he had his own theories. He had slowly come to understand why somebody might have difficulties in their situation, had even understood how somebody might feel, destitute, when they found they didn't really know or even like themselves very much, how debilitating that would be and how they might need solitude. But what he had never been able to do was place his Kathryn in this context. Had never been able to see her beaten by anything. 

And yet here she was. She was a pale, washed-out, ghost of a woman, huddled in her pale robes in the cold moonlight. She looked so small. The Kathryn he had known had always been larger than life to him, and he wondered briefly if it were his own grief and the anger he felt that were colouring his perception of her. Was this really his Kathryn? The play of emotions was disturbing him, and he looked away, back out to sea.   
"Chakotay please say something."   
He looked up at her.   
"I'm not mad with you, Kathryn," he said, wondering if it were a lie even as he spoke. "Not really, not any more."   
He saw her smile weakly.   
"Can you understand at all?"   
Chakotay laughed hoarsely, surprised himself. Even now, after so long, after all this, they still had that synergy, she could still tell what he was thinking. He thought about how it used to be, and it hurt. She knew that he was aware of why she had left. Maybe he hadn't figured it out immediately, but he would know now. She knew, however, that his own pride and pain would not let him really understand. Chakotay reflected on this, then spoke,   
"I understand.....someone else - but you -" he stopped. It was all coming out wrong. He began again, "I always imagined we......you....." and stopped again. He laughed. "Four years and my first words to you are utter nonsense." He attempted a grin, but settled for a watery smile. Pain crossed his features as he saw Kathryn's expression - joy that she hadn't alienated him completely, relief that they were still basically the same people. Chakotay looked away and shivered.   
"It really is getting cold Chakotay. I think it will storm tonight. Come on," she stood, "Let's go inside." She held out her hand to him and he instinctively took it and stood, then quickly let go as he realised. The corners of her mouth twitched in a brief, understanding smile before she turned her back to him and headed up the beach. 

They tramped hastily up the beach and up the steps to the verandah of Kathryn's house. He watched her struggle with the slide door, having to throw all of her weight against it to get it to shift in its rickety runners, and was once again assailed by the very smallness of her. He stepped in after her and slid the door closed behind him. 

The room was aglow with firelight from the huge stone hearth, and Chakotay looked around, surprised. In her youth, he knew, Kathryn had constantly rebelled against her parents' traditionalist leanings. Yet here was this room, with an open fire, wooden furniture and overstuffed chairs. He could even see, though he had blinked and double-checked just to make sure, through an open door, a kitchen not unlike Neelix's had been on Voyager. Two dogs stirred from their fireside nap and got up, wagging happily at the visitor.   
"Can I get you anything Chakotay?" The dogs turned at the sound of her voice, then back to Chakotay as if expectant of his answer.   
"I guess you have coffee?"   
Kathryn smiled warmly.   
"Coming up." 

Alone in the room now Chakotay tried to feel Kathryn in it, to place her here. Had she really changed this much? Or had this side of her always been there, and he just hadn't seen it? His mind was drawn back to her quarters aboard Voyager and he remembered the things she had surrounded herself with. In her quarters the antique microscope and the little glass vial of mineral-like granules, Janeway the scientist, but this was an old relic. The Da Vinci bust, again a hearkening back to ancient periods of history she seemed so fascinated with. And her coffee cup - not the standard chrome issue of Starfleet, but a classic, elegant porcelain cup. And her silk nightclothes. Yes, there she was. Kathryn had tried to hold onto the essence of herself - the scientist, the Indiana country girl, and the woman - but it had somehow all been subsumed in her Command. The change had been imperceptible to Chakotay during those five years but now, balancing the facts like two snapshots, the difference was stark. The Kathryn who had taken him as First Officer after the destruction of the Caretaker's array, and the Kathryn who had finally brought them home were very different, could almost be different people. 

Kathryn appeared in the doorway of the kitchen. Standing there in her voluminous white robes, tray with coffee service in hand, Chakotay was again started, was this his Kathryn?   
"What?"   
"Huh?" Chakotay replied.   
"What is it? You were looking at me funny."   
"No, really, it's just - I'm surprised that's all. I didn't think this kind of place would be really you."   
"You don't like it?"   
"I didn't say that." This again was odd. Since when did Kathryn care about such little things? Or had she always? Chakotay's head was swimming, he began to feel like he had just after she'd vanished - confused, assailed by doubts. What was the truth? He looked around the room again, then thought about the clean, sparse apartment - had she ever been happy there? Had he ever really known her? Who had he fallen in love with? Kathryn was still looking at him from the doorway. "I didn't say that," he repeated.   
"Oh Chakotay," she crossed the room now, and set the tray down, sitting at the other end of the long grey sofa. "I'm so sorry for leaving, I don't even know whether you'll accept my excuses. And I know it's trite but hurting you was the hardest thing about it."   
"Then why did you do it? Why leave me Kathryn? Why not come to me? You owed me that much." His voice was strained.   
"Maybe, but it was best for both of us - that I be alone, that I not be with you. Even now I find it hard to verbalise what was going on. I was so afraid Chakotay-" she stopped as she felt herself begin to gabble.   
"Afraid? Afraid of what?"   
"I - I just needed to be by myself." Her tone seemed to make no apologies and this, she saw immediately, finally produced an effect.   
"You needed to-" he shook his head angrily, "Stop saying that!" He stood abruptly, passed a hand over his forehead. "I'm sorry Chakotay," she began to cry, real sobs. "I'm just...."   
Chakotay was horrified. Who was this woman? What had happened to her? The Kathryn he knew had never acted like this in all the time he'd known her. Almost as quickly as she'd lost control she seemed to regain it. She stood and took a turn about the room, arms folded in a defensive posture, still holding the shawl tight about her. When she sensed his immediate anger had passed she stopped pacing and, looking at him, tried again.   
"You remember how it was don't you? I'd cry myself to sleep every night."   
"I remember." He stood at the side of the fireplace in the shadows.   
"And I just didn't know why. For so long I just didn't know. I don't know whether I explained it to you." She heard him sigh, then speak;   
"You would say that you didn't feel complete, that you felt soulless," his voice had a funny ring to it. "Do you know what that used to do to me?"   
"Yes. Well, no, not really, not then." She hesitated, choosing her next words carefully. "Chakotay I - left - you," the word almost choked her, "because I had lost myself, that's what was missing." She couldn't see his face. "I don't know whether you can understand." 

She took his silence as permission to continue.   
"I was the Captain for so long that I just," she gave a hollow laugh, "that I just didn't know how to be me anymore." She shrugged.   
Chakotay spoke from the shadows, his voice measured. She could still not see his face.   
"Why didn't you tell this all to me -" she could tell there was going to be something after that, a barely veiled accusation. He still hurt. She screwed her face up in response to the guilt that tore at her.   
"You want to know why I left? I can't give you one reason Chakotay." She stopped frustrated. Did he understand at all? "But I can tell you the last thing, the thing that finally made me decide."   
"I'm listening."   
"You were in love with someone else."   
"What?! What are you talking about?"   
"I'm sorry, I don't mean to be facetious. It's just....please, you have to understand this is still very difficult for me. I, I'm not the same woman you fell in love with. You fell in love with a persona, but it really wasn't me. Can you understand?"  
"Go on."   
She did her best to explain the shock of returning to earth, and the emptiness she felt when she tried to lay the Captain of that Voyage to rest; how painful it had been to leave, the crippling depression and the anxiety attacks that had followed. And then how now, she felt she was finally emerging into some kind of light. Chakotay listened in silence. He had sat down, and she had paced to and fro before the fire.   
"I'm so sorry Chakotay, and you know that if I could have seen any other way....."   
"Come, sit Kathryn," he said gently, "I want to speak to you."   
She stared at him for a moment, then nodded quickly and took a seat on the couch, facing him cross-legged.   
"Why are you smiling?" her voice was uncertain.   
"You haven't changed as much as you think, that's all."   
She smiled weakly, she had run out of words.   
"What you did, Kathryn," Chakotay began, "was unforgivable." She looked down at her hands. "I thought." Her eyes shot up to meet his.   
"You forgive me?"   
"I could always forgive you anything Kathryn, you know that. But forgetting hasn't been as easy." He fell quiet for a while, and they both stared into the fire. He continued, "I remember the last night on Voyager. I was so happy that you'd finally come to me that I clung to you like a drowning man, and vowed to myself that I'd never let you go. I felt that you completed me."   
She knew what was coming.   
"Chakotay I - I never stopped loving you," she said quietly.   
"Nor I you, but old wounds run deep Kathryn." 

On to Part Three

Lines of Poetry: John Donne (trying to find the reference in all my papers!)


	3. Home:3

**HOME**  
Part Three 

_How will it end? Time passing, and our passages of love  
__As ever, beloved, blind  
As ever before; time binding, unbinding  
About us; and yet to remember  
Never less chastening, nor the flame of love  
Less like an ember. _

  
Kathryn looked at herself in the mirror. The years had been kind, she decided. Her rigorous exercise regime had enabled her to defy gravity to an extent so far, and good nutrition had kept her skin clear and her body healthy. The lines on her face she could not ignore, though. Just the beginnings of crow's feet, and a more permanently furrowed brow. She twitched her mouth up at the corners to try to rid herself of the sullen look she always seemed to wear, but decided she looked ridiculous. They would just have to accept her the ways he was. Older, a little, but wiser, certainly.  
  
She finished off her makeup with just a smudge of lipstick, then crossed the room to where her reds and blacks were laid out on the bed. She had decided to return to Starfleet in the days after she had achieved her small measure of peace with Chakotay, two weeks since. It had led to a new peace within herself to know at least that he did not hate her. His admission of his love for her had made her heart beat wildly, for a brief few moments, but the trust was gone and without that she feared it meant nothing. Had there been a better way than that which she had chosen? This plagued her. No. Much as she wanted to take the blame the responsibility had not been entirely hers, she had not been herself. She was beyond wishing things had happened differently, and was determined to look to the future. If only Chakotay were still her future. Instead of chastising herself for indulgent, unproductive thoughts Kathryn opened herself to her needs and desires. She had spent too long on Voyager denying herself, and it had taken her down an unpleasant and difficult road. Visions of Chakotay swam in her mind and she embraced the pain, a sign of her capacity to once again be herself. She missed him terribly. 

She dressed slowly, feeling the uniform capture her, close around her and it felt safe. She was surprised. She had had her doubts about returning to duty, but now she needed something to do, and she also was needed. For over a year now there had been reports trickling in from patrols of the neutral zone that not only Romulan, but also Cardassian ships, had been picked up on sensor sweeps of Romulan space. How had Chakotay reacted to a new Cardassian threat? She wished she knew. At least this time he and Starfleet were on the same side. There were, then, inevitable rumours of an alliance, something the Federation could not afford to ignore when the members of such an alliance would be her two most formidable enemies. Kathryn's call to Owen Paris had therefore been well received, and she had been ushered back into the fold almost immediately. 

She stood once again before the mirror, this time fully dressed. She took a comb and some pins and began to tie up her hair, which she had allowed to grow out of control again since leaving the Fleet. She opted for a simple style, no fuss, smoothing back the escaping strands. All that was left was her Admiral's pip and insignia, and her comm-badge, which she quickly fastened on. She looked well, she looked professional. The butterflies in her stomach told her that she felt somewhat different, but she drew herself up tall, picked up her small case and marched herself out of the house. 

The San Francisco air was bracing as she stepped off the transport. There was still a short walk to Starfleet HQ, which she was glad of. It would clear her mind ready for the meeting ahead. She had read the briefing twice on the transport and had a few questions, a few suggestions if she was called upon. With the situation as it was she would have no time to ease herself back into her duties, but would be expected to perform at to her full capabilities. The mild, white winter sun shone on her face as she walked, and she felt herself smiling. Things were going to be alright. The clean, angular facade of Starfleet HQ arose before her as she crossed the grounds. She was glad to be back. 

She was shown into a conference room with a long ovoid table with twelve chairs around it. Owen Paris was seated at the head of the table, and two Vulcans sat to his right. 

"Kathryn! Good Morning!" He stood and came to her, grasping her hand and shaking it vigorously. "It's good to see you!" 

"You too Sir. I see they're keeping you exactly where they want you." She smiled. 

"I wouldn't have it any other way, you know that. And what's with this Sir'?? You're one of us now!" 

"Aah, it really doesn't feel like that." 

They fell quiet for a moment. 

"How are you Kathryn?" his voice was low. 

"I'm fine, thank you" 

"No really. You scared us going off like that. Have you been OK?" 

"Really," she found it difficult to keep her voice strong. "I've been alright." 

Paris's concerned eyes looked into hers and he nodded. 

"OK. Won't you have a seat." He gestured to his left. "The others will be here soon. I'd like you to meet Ensign Burlan and Lieutenant Commander D'Mal, they'll be part of your focus group. Don't worry," he said at the confused look on her face, "everything will be explained as soon as the others arrive and we can begin." 

Kathryn nodded, uncertain. What focus group was this? She had thought this was just going to be a preliminary meeting, but something told her that the situation was far more advanced than the initial briefs had intimated. The look on Owen Paris's face reminded her of the dark expression that would come over her father's visage during the very first years of the trouble with Cardassia. The familiar twinge of guilt and grief sobered her, and she focused on the Vulcan pair before her. Ensign Burlan was a fairly young, sharp looking man, his uniform crisp, his posture rigid. D'Mal was a slightly older female, with glossy hair and a face that looked permanently amused. Disconcerting in anybody, but especially in a Vulcan. It was as if she knew something that everybody else did not. 

Owen Paris was talking quietly to D'Mal; it seemed they had been acquaintances for some years now, and Kathryn listened to them speaking of Vulcan when a cold draught on the back of her neck told her that the door had opened. Putting on her best professional face she sat up straight and waited while the others took their seats. A middle-aged man with greying hair and a red uniform sat next to her and nodded his greetings. Two engineers took their places next to Burlan and D'Mal followed by a number of medical staff. A flash of a red uniform caught her eye aside the man sat next to her, and before she even looked up she somehow knew it was Chakotay. She turned her head slowly to look at him, fearful yet excited, and met his eyes already focused intensely on her. Having been caught unawares her heart began to beat wildly. Her fingers twitched, wanting to touch him. 

"Kathryn," he nodded. 

"Hi," she noticed his four pips. She hadn't known that he'd been promoted, but then she didn't know much at all about his past four years. She looked down and calmed herself. Owen Paris's voice prevented her from dwelling too long, as he called for order and opened the meeting. 

"Computer, engage privacy lock. Communications silence." Kathryn looked at the company gathered around the table, all except the Vulcan pair were now shifting in their seats, decidedly uncomfortable. Something heavy was going down here. 

"Colleagues, friends," Paris began. "We'd best get right down to business. I'm afraid the situation with the Romulans and Cardassians is more serious than you have been led to believe. The information you have been given is a standard release which is unfortunately thinned out for public consumption." Kathryn felt chilled. When Voyager has returned they had discovered that the war with Cardassia and the Dominion had brought about many changes within the Federation. The Romulans had apparently decided to opt out once more of cordial relations with the Federation, and had been an unknown quantity' for some time now. The idea of the power of such an alliance was terrifying. Admiral Paris continued. "The information on the terminals before you is more truthful. You'll see from our intelligence that there has been a considerable step-up in enemy activity in the Allegra section of the neutral zone bordering on Federation space." Enemy activity. Another shiver ran down her spine and she clenched her teeth. This did not sound good. "People you have been assembled here for a briefing on your next assignment, an information gathering mission in the Allegra region." Kathryn suddenly felt as if she were inside a bubble. This was all horribly familiar. Feeling that everybody must be looking at her she jerked her head up, but only Chakotay's eyes were on her. He was frowning, and raised his eyebrows at her. She nodded that she was OK, glad of his notice and immediately strengthened by his support, as always. She turned her attention back to the Admiral. "Transmitting to your terminals now is your mission briefing. This is a top secret mission and you are the only members of the crew in full possession of the facts. I expect it to stay that way. If you'll give your attention to the manifest you will note that Kathryn Janeway will be captaining this mission, supported by Commander Chakotay. I'm sorry you guys have to take a small demotion for this mission but I had to be sure of who I put on the job, being that I can't take it myself." His eyes locked into Kathryn's. The truth was that he didn't want it, and she nodded in understanding. He smiled slightly, sadly, then continued. "These records are eyes only. Any discussion of the mission will be subject to the procedures laid out in your brief. You leave at 0800 hours. Any questions? Then you are dismissed." 

The people seated around the table slowly arose, eyeing one another silently. Kathryn turned to Chakotay and was about to speak when Paris spoke from behind her. 

"Kathryn, could you stay for a moment please?" 

"Certainly," Kathryn replied. She turned back to Chakotay but he was already at the door and leaving. "Sorry Admiral, what is it?" 

"Please, can't you call me Owen after all these years?" 

"Give me some time on that one OK?" she laughed. "Now, what is it? You look troubled." She touched his arm gently. He shook his head. 

"Oh Kathryn, this is bringing back too many memories for me. But that's not why I asked you back just now. I want to know about you. Are you up to this? I mean really?" 

"I think I am," she said quietly. "There's really no need to worry." She looked up into the older man's eyes, beseeching him. She needed to do this. 

"OK," he looked convinced. "And how do you like the team?" 

"They seem a good bunch," she avoided the only question she really wanted to ask. "Where did D'Mal come from?" 

"Oh she's had a long service on DS4, a wonderful engineer. I'm sure you'll find her very valuable on your crew." It suddenly came home to Kathryn - she was getting another command. 

"Did you handpick them all?" 

"Yes. Oh, all except Chakotay. He requested the mission." 

"He-" Kathryn barely concealed her surprise. "I, er, I thought it was top secret?" 

"It is. And that's why I accepted his offer. He's a very bright man. Maybe it was all those years with the Maquis, but he knew this was coming a long time ago. He was quite instrumental in the early stages of planning." 

Kathryn nodded. 

"Thank you Owen. I think I'll go and review the brief. Early start in the morning." 

"Very well." 

"I'll be in my quarters in the senior staff wing if you need me." 

"OK. Oh, and Kathryn," he stopped her as she began to leave. "Good luck." 

*****  


It was 0400 hours as Kathryn Janeway transported to spacedock and approached the Aristeia. It was a good-looking craft, not unlike her parent ship the Defiant, but bigger, sleeker, newer. Her brief alone had included the full specs of this new ship, so that she could use her discretion as to who needed to know what, why and when. The cloaking device that had been loaned to the Federation by the Romulans had long since been reclaimed, but Starfleet still had a few tricks up their sleeves. A prototype cloak had been fitted to the Aristeia, and had fared extremely well in tests. This cloak worked on ships sensors rather than anything else, which meant that it was still visible to the naked eye or on a view screen, but practically impervious to systems like targeting scanners or weapons locks. The metaphasic shields that had graced the Defiant had been upgraded so that they could run for longer periods, based on a new deuterium derivative as a power source. It had a sustained top speed equaling the warp 9.975 of Voyager along with some of her bio-neural circuitry, but the static nacelles meant less maneuverability at high warp. That was but a small price, however, for such a ship. The Aristeia was heavily armed, but on all scans she would show up merely as a science vessel. The ideal ship for an intelligence mission, Kathryn thought. A lot of careful planning had gone into this ship. She tapped her comm-badge.   
"I'm ready to beam in now." The hangar floor shimmered before her eyes, and her vision cleared in a darkened transporter room. "Computer, lights. Full systems check, and stand by." She felt the ship come to life around her and smiled. It was good to be back.... chirrup Janeway started. 

"Chakotay to Janeway." 

"Janeway here," she said quietly. "Good morning Commander. I'll beam you aboard directly." 

"Acknowledged." 

His voice over the comm. Oh it had been so long! A wave of melancholy passed over her as she worked the console. She thought she was up to working with him again.....Chakotay shimmered into being on the pad. 

"Hi." 

"Hi," she choked back. 

"Thought I'd get an early start, but it looks like you beat me to it." 

"Shouldn't that be permission to come aboard captain'?" she forced a smile. No use getting off on the wrong foot. Chakotay smiled back, relieved at her ease. He knew this could have been very difficult. Still could. His dimples flashed and she melted. 

"Oh come on, let's go and see if the Aristeia is all she's cracked up to be." 

*****  
  
They walked towards Engineering, agreed that the core would be as good a place to start as any. Their tour of the ship was professional and mercifully good-natured. By 0630 they had seen just about everything and were heading on back up to the Bridge." Business over, they were quiet at first, and it was Chakotay who broke the silence.   
"Kathryn I have to ask you something." 

Here it comes, she thought. She knew they couldn't completely bury the past but.... 

"Yes?" 

"I know you've had a very difficult time over the past three or four years, but I think I need to know how difficult." 

Kathryn drew in a breath. Oh this was horrible. So long as he didn't bring it up she felt she could stop herself from throwing herself at his feet. Dammit! she thought to herself - Stop this Kathryn! You've done it before and you can do it again! She began to steel herself, began the process she always went through on taking up a new command, restoring the Captain's facade. 

"Kathryn?" 

"Sorry - what?" 

"As your First Officer I have to be convinced that my Captain is fit for duty." 

Ahh. Right. 

"I don't think you have anything to worry about there Commander. Ah look, the mess hall. Care to join me for some coffee?" 

"I see Captain Janeway is doing just fine. I'd like that. But-" he caught her arm as she tried to pass, noting that this time she did not shy away from him, but looked up at him with her big blue eyes. 

"But what?" 

"But - are you OK with this? Really? Us working together again like this?" 

"Chakotay come, sit down, please." 

They replicated some coffee and sat at a table. Chakotay I cant say that it's all going to be wonderful - can you?" 

"No, but-" 

"No but we're both adults. And I can't think of anybody Id rather have as my Number One right now. And I'm so sorry for what happened. I hope it won't interfere too much." 

"You don't hurt at all?" His voice was a whisper and he wouldn't meet her eyes. Where had that come from? She felt a lump in her throat. 

"Oh Chakotay you've no idea!" 

He looked up then. 

"I didn't leave you because I didn't love you," she put her hand over his on the table. "You know how I feel Chakotay." 

Chakotay cleared his throat nervously, and removed his hands from hers. 

"Well, like you said. We're both adults. I promise I will allow no negative feelings to interfere with this mission." 

"Negative feelings?" her eyebrows knit, pained. 

"Like I said Kathryn, old wounds." 

Her face was blank, unreadable, but he knew she was crushed. Chakotay winced inwardly, but this was all he was capable of right now. Three weeks ago he had known nothing of her except the hurt and confusion of her disappearance, and here he was once again under her command. He was torn, afraid. 

"Now, if you'll excuse me. I have a few things I need to check on before the crew being boarding." 

Kathryn nodded, and watched as he left the mess hall. Her heart seemed to swell with regret, before she pushed the emotion down. This was a little too much like deja-vu for her comfort. 

*****  
  
For two weeks now the had been cruising through Federation space so as not to arouse suspicion. They would pass by Betazed in the early hours of the morning, then be on a course that would take them towards Risa and Vulcan, from whence they could commence their scans of Romulan territory. The bulk of the crew had been told, by Janeway, that this was to be an unremarkable mission, more to do with the testing of the ship than with any pressing scientific projects. If they noticed the dark look on their Captain's face, or the unusually frequent meetings of the command team, they did not think much of it. Many were aware that this was the command team from Voyager and were too much in awe to get far beyond that. She and Chakotay had managed to begin to befriend one another again, for which she was eternally grateful. There were strained moments though, when he would stiffen at what had previously been so natural between them, a touch on the arm, a nudge with an elbow. She had hoped to test the waters of his feelings for her; she still loved him desperately, but knew she did not deserve for him to tolerate her advances any longer. He always managed to ensure that the situation never arose where she could. It had taken some time for her to realise this, and some strength for it not to eat away at her. It had hurt, but she kept telling herself she was the Captain and couldn't afford such liberties. She felt sick to the pit of her stomach, at the recognition of the parallels between then and now, but did not have the strength to act as she had on Voyager - that was one small mercy at least. She would find herself on the Bridge staring over at him, remembering their apartment, waking up next to him. She had good days, and she had bad. 

They met twice daily for progress reports. It was not strictly necessary but Kathryn was desperate to keep a firm grip on the two situations. She suspected Chakotay knew as much, but he said nothing. She felt guilty, but his lack of protest allowed her some hope. 

"So what would you like for lunch today?" They were in her Ready Room, tiny compared to the spacious office on Voyager. 

"I'll just have a cheese sandwich please Kathryn, and some water." He sat down. "Have the reports come in yet?" Reports were due from the focus group today, and they were both beginning to get a little edgy. They wouldn't show anything as yet, but they were getting closer to their objective all the time. 

"Yes, an hour ago. Everything checks out as normal." She handed Chakotay his lunch. "However...." He looked up, his eyes questioning at her grave expression. She went on, "I received a gold priority subspace communication from the Admiral thirty minutes ago. We have new orders." 

A heavy silence settled between them, and Kathryn sat weakly down. The colour had drained from her face and she was staring into space. 

"What is it Kathryn?" Chakotay asked gently. 

"Starfleet has received further intelligence on this matter. We're to proceed across the neutral zone and into Romulan space." Chakotay froze. She continued, "I have the coordinates of a route through Klingon space and into the Cardassian Union that is supposedly a weapons run between the two governments." The silence fell again as Chakotay took in the drastic step-up in their mission. He looked at Kathryn, she was still pale as a ghost. 

"What is it?" 

She jumped as though he'd shouted. Looking blankly at him for a moment she stood up and began to pace up and down in front of him. 

"Kathryn!" He stood up and stopped her, taking her by the shoulders. "You're scaring me - what is it?" 

"Oh I'm sorry Chakotay. It's just....." she turned her head and would not meet his eyes. "This just brings back a lot of memories for me. Of my first mission - it was with Owen Paris." 

"Admiral Paris?" 

"Yes. My very first mission," she sighed. "It was supposedly a scientific mission, to study massive compact halo objects. But there was a focus group there also, a group of rangers, on a mission just like ours today." 

"So - what? Why do you look like you've seen a ghost? Did something go wrong?" 

Kathryn had sat down again, but was perched tensely. 

"I never told you. The mission seemed fine - I barely even noticed the second agenda. But six months into the mission Paris and I were taking a shuttle to one of the moons of Urtea II to visit one of our sensor arrays. We were captured by the Cardassians." 

Now it was Chakotay's turn to pale. His lips moved but he said nothing. He knew only too well what capture by Cardassia meant, and his time as Maquis had endowed him with innumerable details he would be more than happy to forget. 

"Were you -" he couldn't say the words. He went and knelt on the floor before her taking her hands, not able to bear seeing her in pain like this, scared, all of the protective urges he'd squashed rising dangerously close to the surface. 

"No - but Paris, yes. I was.....locked in a.....a small - something, a cell......I was beaten.....but I could hear Paris outside." She was looking down at her hands, trying to focus on them as the memories and the terror threatened to overwhelm her. She told Chakotay about the rescue, about hiding in the swamp and about the Toskanar dogs. She also recalled Paris when she next saw him. It all came tumbling out. 

When she became quiet, Chakotay was still kneeling before her with her hand in his. 

"I'm sorry Kathryn. Why didn't you-" 

"Tell you?"" she interrupted. "Gods look at me Chakotay-" she held out her white, shaking hands. "Do you think I like feeling like this? I think about it as little as I can." She shook her head. "But then - who would understand better than you?" She looked up into his eyes and reached out a hand to touch his face. "You understand everything about me." 

Chakotay didn't flinch or move away, but stayed frozen, trying to decide if this was good or not. Her hand on his face was soft and calming, but his mind was in revolt, confused and wary of her. He realised she was crying, just a few tears in her eyes, breaking free to tumble down her face, but crying all the same. 

"What is it?" He almost whispered. "What?" he repeated, as she slowly shook her head. 

"Oh Chakotay, I thought I could do this, I really thought I could. But I love you too much, and I need you. I thought I could do this. It's tearing me up, having you here, but not with me." She couldn't believe she was saying this - in her Ready Room, in command. The tension of the past few weeks, the portentous new orders and the memories that now forced themselves upon her had left her shaken so thoroughly that she had reached out to the only thing she felt was true and reliable. 

Chakotay's mind reeled, his resolve slipping. What now? Should he go to her? Gods - he wanted to. But was that enough? He couldn't go to her now only to discover later that the wounds had been just too deep to heal. But this was his Kathryn, the woman he had sworn himself to for as long as he lived, the woman his animal guide had warned him about years before he had even joined the Maquis. She was the one. There would be nobody else if not her. Could he let something so unique pass on just because he was afraid? The decision was made. 

"Kathryn." Her head was down and she raised it, trying to focus on him through the sheen of tears. "Kathryn I'm here for you. I'm here." He took her in his arms and she slipped from the couch to huddle next to him on the floor. He kissed the top of her head, and eventually she grew calm.. She looked up at him. 

"OK?" he asked. She nodded her response, unable to find the words to describe her relief and joy, the feeling that the last piece of a jigsaw had just been slotted into place, that everything was somehow right again with the universe, that she could face anything with her hand in his. Ten years ago she would have baulked at the idea of needing anybody, but they had been odd years, not easy. And it was if needing Chakotay was not a weakness, more an affirmation of her strength, a confirmation of the humanity which drove her, which defined who she was. She shifted against him and looked up. 

"OK?" it was her turn to ask. 

"Yes, although I'm positive I'll live to regret it." Her stomach lurched, but the glint in his eye, and the smirk on his face told her it was OK. She thumped him lightly on the chest. 

"I have a briefing to give. There'll be no second agenda any more on this mission." 

"You're going to tell them all?" 

"Absolutely. They're going to know as soon as we pass into Romulan space anyhow. I want to be prepared...." her voice trailed off. 

"Not like last time?" Chakotay offered. 

"Not like last time. They deserve to know." 

Her comm-badge chirped. 

"Bridge to Janeway." 

"Go ahead." 

"You said you wanted to know when we reached the border Captain." 

"Acknowledged. Hold position. And tell the crew to prepare for a ship-wide briefing. We have new orders Lieutenant." 

"Yes Ma'am." The line chirped closed. She turned to Chakotay 

"Well, let's just hope Starfleet knows what they're doing." 

  
On to Part Four  
  
Lines of poetry : from TIME PASSING, BELOVED, by Donald Davie 


	4. Home : 4

**HOME**  
Part Four 

_My love is as a fever, longing still,  
__For that which longer nurseth the disease;  
Feeding on that which doth preserve the ill,  
The uncertain sickly appetite to please. _

Red and yellow uniforms whizzed by Janeway as she stalked down the corridor to engineering. She and Chakotay had agreed to run as many battle drills as was feasible, as they were picking their way along the trail through Romulan and Klingon space, partly to be in readiness should a situation arise, and partly to keep the newly aware crew from dwelling too much. The people rushing the opposite way to her saw their Captain and tried to appear calm in their hurry. She nodded at them but did not slacken her pace, she had to get to Engineering quickly enough for it to be a surprise to them - an inspection where she was expected was hardly worth it. She knew that D'Mal wouldn't be expecting her, having just contacted her from the Bridge. The doors to Engineering flew open at her approach and she entered the busy, humming room. D'Mal was by her side in a shot. 

"Good day Captain. I assume this is not a social call?" 

"Then you would assume correctly Lieutenant. Please, carry on, and I'll try not to get in the way." 

"Would you prefer for somebody to accompany you Captain. I'm sure I could-" she beckoned to one of her staff. 

"Thank you D'Mal, but just.....carry on as if I'm not even here." Her hands made their classic open-palmed gesture as she shrugged and smiled at the Vulcan, not to be misunderstood as a request. D'Mal nodded. 

"As you wish," and returned to the console at the warp core.  
  
Kathryn wandered around the area, taking an observer's standpoint at several of the key stations, watching over people's shoulders, making observations and asking questions. She knew that D'Mal had everything running as well as possible at all times - she ran a very tight section - but experience had told Kathryn that an awareness of the Captain when going into a potentially hostile situation always helped. When she felt she had impressed enough on the obviously harassed Engineering crew, she nodded to her chief Engineer and strutted back out of the doors. Turning left she ran in her mind the sections she had visited and where she still had to go. She'd been to sick bay, astrometrics, weapons control (an extended visit) and Engineering. Passing a console she noted that it was 1100 hours, and that Chakotay's shift was due to start. Since crossing the neutral zone into the Star Empire she had put herself and her Number One on alternating shifts, doing fourteen hours each, their two overlapping hours spent in close conference. The days were becoming a blur spent in this fashion. She felt so much better since the talk with Chakotay about her fears of the Cardassians. She would be on the Bridge, and her mind would wander to him holding her on the floor of her Ready Room. It had been like coming home, like being allowed to come home. She had wanted to jump straight back in, move him into her quarters, but she now began to wonder at exactly what he was ready to commit to, as nothing more had been advanced. Of course, the situation left them no real time or room to explore the relationship further, but Kathryn couldn't help feeling anxious and impatient, worried something would happen, that he would change his mind. Deep inside, or if she just thought about it rationally, she knew that Chakotay was an honourable man and that he would never deliberately mislead her, wouldn't play with her feelings. She must be patient, and tend to her duties. Once this mission was accomplished they could take some time together, maybe request the same assignment, and things could get back to normal. And yet she couldn't stop fidgeting, wanted constantly to contact him and see how he was. So this was how he must have felt. The thought occurred to her as she entered the Bridge and crossed to her Ready Room, where Chakotay would meet her, the beginning of his shift and the end of hers. 

"Captain," Ensign Burlan's voice at Ops. 

"Yes Ensign?" Kathryn stopped and approached. 

"I'm picking up a ship on long range sensors. It is Cardassian. It appears to be on an intercept course, but they're only at warp 2, so it is logical to assume that they are not deliberately approaching us." 

"Can you detect a warp trail? Are they following the path?" 

The young Vulcan nodded. 

"Aye Captain, their recent trail suggests an almost direct adherence to the route the intelligence reports highlighted." 

"Estimated time to intercept?" 

"At current speeds, three hours and thirty minutes." 

"Thank you Ensign. Helm, make sure we aren't too close when we get within scanning range. I'll be in my Ready Room." 

A swift cup of coffee later, Kathryn sat aside Chakotay, who was mulling over the long range scans of the approaching Cardassian ship. 

"Well it's a freighter, but fairly new.....could put up a good fight. But we can't really tell what they're carrying just yet. I guess we just have to sit tight........Kathryn?" 

"Mm yes, what?" 

"We should just sit tight." 

"Sorry yes. It's been a long shift, and I was so looking forward to some sleep." 

Chakotay looked at her and pursed his lips. 

"What?" she queried. 

"Well, I don't want to come over all big-brother like here," he sounded nervous, and sweet she thought. "But are you OK? Are you getting enough downtime?" 

"Oh yes I'm fine." 

"I only ask because...because...of what happened with Voyager." He looked down briefly, before Kathryn placed a hand on his shoulder to get his attention. 

"Voyager was very different Chakotay. I'm not trapped here. I can see the end of this mission. I don't really see what could be done, but thank you, really." Her voice was soft. 

"I know there's nothing we could do. I guess I just needed your reassurance." 

Without a second thought Kathryn leaned over and kissed him soundly. 

"Is this reassurance enough that I won't withdraw again? I promise Chakotay." She leaned her forehead against his, sensed his smile before he kissed her back. It was a gentle kiss at first, then growing in urgency as biological memory kicked in, all the old euphoria welling up and washing over them. Chakotay's arms went right around her and crushed her to him, while she took his face in her hands, as if holding him there would convince her that this was finally real and not a regretful dream. Her fingers traced his brow, fluttering over his tattoo, her palms pressing over his strong cheekbones. She touched his lips between kisses, before the kiss deepened and she felt herself being pushed gently backwards. Chakotay leaned over her, pushed a stray strand of hair from her face, and they just looked at one another, revelling in the closeness, the familiarity, and the heat that was obviously far from gone. 

~chirrup~ 

"Bridge to Captain Janeway." 

"Janeway here." Neither of them moved. 

"We've managed some preliminary scans of the approaching ship. Perhaps you should come and see for yourself." 

"We'll be right there Ensign. Janeway out." The channel closed and she looked up at Chakotay. "So Commander are you going to let me up?" 

"Mm, if I have to." They got up and, straightening their uniforms, headed back out to the Bridge. Janeway went straight to Burlan. 

"Well?" She was acutely aware of Chakotay close behind her. The young Vulcan eyed the pair quizzically, then spoke. 

"Our scans suggest that the Cardassian ship is in fact carrying weapons." 

"What kind of weapons?" Chakotay asked. 

"Readings suggest polaric missiles, seven in total.....each with a 5000 isoton yield." 

Kathryn turned to Chakotay. 

"Inform Starfleet." Her grave voice rang in his ears, as she hurried away from him, back to her Ready Room. 

***

"Come," Kathryn called out, and then caught her breath as the object of her affections strode in. It was odd how the sight of him was so pleasing, so calming. He had an elegant symmetry to him, and his graceful, almost feline movement enthralled her.   
"Any news?" 

"Yes, a transmission just came through on subspace. Paris wants us to tail the ship up to the Klingon border, monitor their transmissions and so on. They're sending a small fleet to intercept once they enter the Empire - only then do we have anything concrete to stop them with." 

"That's it? That's all?" Kathryn looked at him confused. "Well, I can't say that I'm not pleased, but I must say my expectations were of something a little more dramatic," she smirked. 

"Well it's not over yet. If the freighter, if that's what it really is, reaches Klingon space before the fleet, we're to delay' them." 

"Ah right. Are there any signs they have detected us?" 

"Not in the hour we've been matching them, no." 

At that moment Kathryn's comm-badge chirped and Burlan's voice filled the small room. 

"Bridge to Janeway. The Cardassian ship has altered its course." 

"I'm on my way." Chakotay caught her arm as she passed him. She smiled. 

"What is it?" 

"Nothing," he shook his head. "I just can't wait for all this to be over, and we can have some time." Her smile widened. "Yes," she stepped closer. "Maybe we should take a trip up to my beach house. It's very quiet there, very private." 

"Sounds perfect." Chakotay leaned in for a kiss and Kathryn responded eagerly. Her lips smiled against his, as lights danced behind her closed lids and her heartbeat quickened. They broke away, both inhaling deeply. Kathryn spoke first. 

"Come along, we have work to do." 

***  
  
The command team returned to the Bridge, where a brief summation of the Cardassian craft's movements over the last twenty minutes seemed to indicate that she was running a rather complex series of evasive maneuvers.   
"Do they know we're here?" Chakotay was leaning over the Ops console. 

"It would seem that they suspect our presence Commander." 

"Ensign, any more news on Paris's ships?" 

"Estimated time of arrival 45 minutes Sir." 

Chakotay looked over at Janeway. Their eyes locked. The ship would enter Klingon space in less than fifteen. Kathryn was clear in her mind as to their course of action - they had their orders, they could not risk a Klingon temper tantrum with a ship with such a cargo - and yet she also felt an odd uncertainty. 

"Kathryn?" Chakotay's voice was low in her ear as he sat in his chair at her left. She looked up sharply as he asked, "OK?" 

"Yes, thank you" 

"The crew are waiting for your orders." 

She hesitates, and Chakotay reached over and squeezed her hand. 

"We'll be fine Kathryn. This won't take long. We just have to delay them." She looked at him, and saw that he somehow knew what she was thinking. The command thus far had been unremarkable, but now they were being thrust back into action. The flutterings in her stomach were beginning to subside. She had never been nervous about her duties before; apprehensive maybe, but never afraid. But, she'd been a different person back then. So what was this feeling? Was she excited? Surely not. She blinked and looked away from her Number One. She'd spent so long expecting to find it difficult to be in command once again, that she'd forgotten how much she actually enjoyed times like these. She had a good ship, and a good crew - she felt the power flowing up to her through the ship. Chakotay squashed a smile as she stood, the old pride showing in her stance 

"Mr Lucas," she turned to address the young human at Tactical. "I want you to decloak and raise shields. Ensign Burlan, hail them." 

"They are responding Captain." 

"On screen." She turned to face the viewscreen. "This is Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Aristeia. We have been monitoring your course for some time now, and you seem to be on a direct course for Federation space." Janeway's tone was questioning, almost innocent, as if she were asking directions, but the Cardassian on the screen could not mistake the objectives of a cloaked Federation ship that had been pursuing him. 

"Ah greetings, Captain Janeway. I am Gul Durant, and this is the Freighter Ricsian. I can assure you that trespassing on Federation space is the last thing on my mind." I am merely here to meet a fellow trader. You, however, are indeed - shall we say - a little out of your way??" 

Janeway looked sternly at him, ignoring his implicit accusation. 

"Your government sent a Gul out to trade?" "Er yes -" His excuses were interrupted by one of his crew announcing four Federation ships closing on their position. He turned back to face Kathryn. 

"Can you tell me why the Federation is now trespassing on Cardassian territory?" Janeway sensed Chakotay shift in his seat. Just a little longer. She didn't feel like testing the Aristeia out for the first time so far inside the Cardassian union. 

"Merely a precaution, Gul Durant." 

"And what of a Federation ship with a cloak? A mere precaution also? None of your intelligence has reported such a device." 

Janeway did not reply. At a small hand signal from her Chakotay stood and positioned himself just behind her, as Durant continued. 

"I see no choice but to consider your violation of our territory as an act of aggression. I have already signalled my government and reinforcements are on their way." Janeway decided that there was no more time, and bit the bullet. 

"Scans of your ship tell us that you are carrying polaric weapons, and our intelligence suggests that your cargo is destined for Romulan space. I will do everything in my power to prevent you from leaving here with these weapons, is that understood?" 

She and the Gul locked glares for a few brief seconds before he snapped the channel shut. Everybody on the Bridge exhaled as if they had been holding their breath. There was no avoiding the fact that they were violating Cardassian territory, but theirs was not the only wrong. Kathryn did not always enjoy being the aggressor, but today there had been little choice. 

"What now?" Chakotay spoke softly. 

"Now we wait." 

Chakotay nodded sagely. The Ricsian wouldn't risk a stand-off. The Aristeia was as yet an unknown quantity to them, and they knew the dangers that such a cargo entailed. 

"Captain there is a subspace message coming through to you. It is from the Agamemnon." 

"Paris? Why don't they just hail us?" She looked at Chakotay. "Never mind, put it through here please Mr Burlan." Chakotay watched her concentrate, then her brow furrow in consternation. When she looked up her eyes were wide. Silently she turned the screen to face him, nodding slowly at it. Chakotay held her gaze, concerned, for a moment, then dipped his eyes to read the message. When he raised his eyes again his horror was apparent. 

"They want us to blow up the ship?" Kathryn just stared dumbly at him. He opened his mouth to speak, but just shut it again without uttering a sound. This was ludicrous. Fire on a ship with those weapons aboard? Attack a Cardassian ship deep in Cardassian territory? Hell - pick a fight at all in these circumstances?? All of these thoughts passed unspoken between the two, and Chakotay saw the terribly indecision in Kathryn's eyes. 

"What do I do Chakotay?" she whispered. "What?!" 

"We can't." Chakotay did not hesitate. "What kind of orders are these? Can you imagine what this would do to Starfleet? To the Federation? It's madness!" Kathryn had begun to nod as he was speaking, hearing her own thoughts verbalised, and now she stood and addressed the Bridge crew. 

"Your attention please." Her voice was calm. "I have just received orders to open fire on the Ricsian, and to destroy the ship. I am informing you that I intend to do no such thing. We will instead escort the ship to Deep Space Nine and release it to their custody. Any objecting will be noted now." The Bridge was silent. She nodded. 

"Hail the Ricsian." 

On to Part Five   
  
Lines of poetry : from MY LOVE IS AS A FEVER..... by William Shakespeare 


	5. Home : 5

**HOME**  
Part Five 

I have to give this one an NC17 rating, but only because of Chakotay's wandering mind. Men - chuh! You could probably miss it if you're not concentrating, so don't worry too much.

_I scarce believe my love to be so pure  
__As I had thought it was,  
Because it doth endure  
Vicissitude, and season, as the grass;  
Methinks I lied all winter, when I swore  
My love was infinite, if spring make it more. _

The crew of the Ricsian had not come quietly, but the Aristeia had eventually managed to tractor them and beam out the crew. They had laid in a course for DS9 just in time to avoid the Federation escort' headed by the Agamemnon. What transpired after their arrival on the station was even more disturbing than the orders to destroy the idea of opening fire on the Ricsian. The orders had not come from Owen Paris, and the weapons casings on the seized polaric missiles were Starfleet. 

"So, exactly how was the message disguised?" 

Janeway and Chakotay were sat at a table with Captain Benjamin Sisco, Security Chief Odo and Admiral Paris. 

"Ah, we haven't actually figured that out yet," said Odo; he looked almost ashamed. 

"And where did the Starfleet parts come from?" Chakotay leaned on his elbows. Odo was silent. Sisco sighed loudly, and stood up. 

"Well people. Whatever is going on I intend to get to the bottom of it. Starfleet Command have decided to continue the investigation aboard the station, they're sending some people immediately. I'm sorry, but I must ask all involved parties to remain on the station until further notice. A formality, but a necessary one, you understand." 

Janeway, Chakotay and Paris all sighed, resigned. 

"Will that be all?" Janeway smiled up at Sisco, trying not to show how tired she was. 

"Of course Captain, I'm sure you are looking forward to some time off. Just think of this as," he smiled his enigmatic smile, "as a little holiday." 

Kathryn couldn't help but grin. 

"Thank you I'll try." She stood, "Now Gentlemen if you'll excuse me." Leaving Ops she made her way to the promenade, taking a brief stroll and pausing to watch the wormhole, before descending to the habitat ring and her quarters. Keying in her code she entered the room wearily, but a huge smile broke out on her face as she saw what was waiting for her. On the coffee table was a tall, elegantly tapered glass vase filled with dozens and dozens of red and white roses. Their perfume filled the room, making Kathryn feel intoxicated as she breathed it in. She approached the vase and reached out both hands to gather the blooms together, bending her head into them to smell their fragrance. She had never been given flowers before, by anybody but Chakotay. It was considered something of an outdated sentiment, but it never failed to put a smile on her face. She sighed and shook her head - things were so up in the air right now, and she hated that feeling. Yes, she was a control freak, and even more so after the breakdown. She still needed that control, that really was part of Kathryn and not just the Captain. Despite the shocking discovery of the falsified orders and the stolen (or supplied?) weapons casings she could not apply her intellect to the puzzle. Well she had better find something to occupy her time, they could be here for a while. Although all of her crew had been subject to this provision, the only thing that stuck out in her mind was that she and Chakotay were both here for the duration. All of the time on the Aristeia she had been silently hoping that the mission would be concluded , that they could get off the ship, onto even ground..... But now these thoughts disturbed her, She was afraid, she recognised, merely afraid, but also excited. She hadn't felt like that since...since their last night on Voyager. She cast her mind sadly back to the first six months following the return. She and Chakotay had moved into a large, airy apartment not far from Starfleet HQ. They had chosen furniture, Chakotay had even made some, and she had painted. But it had all fallen apart so quickly. Tears welled up in her eyes, for all of the wasted time, and the needless pain she had caused, imagining Chakotay coming home from work to find that...that notes, on a PADD. But she couldn't have stayed. It wasn't Chakotay she had been running from. She was trying to escape herself, and Starfleet. Since disembarking Voyager she would panic at the thought of being shut up on a ship. 

  
The doorchimes sounded and she raised her head. 

"Come in." Chakotay entered, and she grinned, despite herself. The nervous feeling was coming back. 

"Hi, you OK?" 

"Yes, I just fancied a walk and a little rest. Thank you for the flowers Chakotay, they're beautiful." She crossed the room to him and put her hands on his shoulders, raising herself up so she could reach his cheek to kiss him. She saw his eyes close, and felt his hands on her waist. 

"Oh I've missed you Kathryn," he breathed, then took hold of her more tightly and rest his head in the crook of her neck. They stood there just holding on to one another until the chirp of a comm-badge forced them to separate. 

"Sisco to Captain Janeway." 

"Go ahead Mr Sisco." 

"I thought you'd be interested to know that the party from Starfleet have arrived and wish to pursue the investigation as soon as possible. They would like to see you and Commander Chakotay some time this evening." 

Janeway sighed. 

"Thanks, but can it really not wait until the morning?" 

"I'll leave that up to you. Admiral Chapman is heading up the investigation, you should speak to her." "Thank you anyway. Janeway out." 

"Are you going to see her tonight?" Chakotay pulled her back to him and spoke against the side of her head. 

"I suppose I should, but I'll arrange to see her in the morning. Wait for me?" 

"Always." His answer stunned her into silence, and the emotion that welled up inside her made her want to cry. He remembered that happy time the same way she did. She took his face between her hands and kissed him passionately. 

"You know I love you Chakotay." 

"Yes, and I love you. Please don't ever leave me again." There it was again, that disarming simplicity. 

"Never!" Kathryn choked. Oh what had she done to deserve this man?! The kind of devotion and dramatic passion they shared was, she had thought, something only for holo-novels. Reluctantly she broke the embrace. The sooner she saw the Admiral the sooner she could get back to Chakotay. 

"I'll be as quick as I can." 

She touched his face briefly, then left the room. 

  
***

Chakotay sat heavily down on the sofa in Kathryn's quarters; he hoped the Admiral would not keep her long. He allowed his head to fall back, enjoying the quiet of the room briefly. Since Kathryn's message a little over a month ago his life had been turned upside down, his every hour consumed by thoughts of her, of them. At first he had found it impossible to ponder the situation calmly. Despite their relatively amicable meeting he had still been immensely angry and deeply hurt, but he had sensed something in her - a weakness, a vulnerability, an inability to suffer his bad favour - and if there was one thing he could never do it was hurt Kathryn. And so he had reigned in his anger, and a good thing it had been too, it had never helped him achieve anything. He had, however, been unable to conceal just how much pain she had caused him. This was simply because nobody had ever made him feel that way. He had certainly run the entire gamut of emotions with this woman. It was ironic, he thought, that the angrier she made him, the more pain she caused him, that these extremes could only testify to how much he loved her. Because she could also make him supremely happy. Every day with her had been an ecstasy. He thought about her just now, her face flushed with pleasure, the feel of her lips on his, the taste of her. He had missed that, her taste, her smell; it still had the same effect on him. He felt his body reacting to the sensuous memories he was reliving. He thought of how it had been, of her in the mornings turning over to greet him, the peach of her skin against the white sheets, the sun on her face, shining through the open window onto her tousled hair. Gods he wished she'd hurry back so he could lay her down and....he had to stop tormenting himself. The anticipation was becoming unbearable, his Kathryn was back with him. He wanted the first time to be gentle and slow, just the way she liked it. He stood up and looked around for something to do. There was nothing here that could hold his attention when it was Kathryn he was awaiting. He decided to take a walk to the promenade, that way, he would meet her on her way back. 

***

He stood at a vast viewport watching the wormhole. It was the fourth time he had watched it blossom into being, like a huge stellar flower, admit a traveller, and then recede into nothingness. Where was she? It had been almost an hour. He sighed. He knew this was unprofessional but..... Tapping his comm-badge he summoned Ops. "Kira here, how can we help you Commander?"   
"Ah Major. I was just wondering if Captain Janeway is still in her meeting with Admiral Chapman." 

A short silence greeted his question. 

"Major Kira?" 

"Captain Janeway never appeared. The Admiral left thirty minutes ago - she was not happy." 

Chakotay felt a wave of panic. 

"Can you locate her - she's been gone for almost an hour." 

"Just a second." He heard Kira punching some commands into a console, then a computer voice. Captain Janeway is on the promenade. He looked around but could not see her anywhere. 

"Kira she's not here." Chakotay could feel the urgency in his own voice, and Kira did not miss it. 

"She can't be far Commander. Kira to Janeway......Captain Janeway please respond." Nothing. "I'm sending a continuous signal through Commander, see if you can hear it." 

At first Chakotay could hear nothing, and was frustrated at the murmured hum of traders and passers-by. Taking a deep breath he forced himself calm and strained his ears, eventually hearing a slight crackle, like static. He moved towards the balcony, then along the walkway. It was getting louder. And then he saw it. In the corner by one of the viewports a flash of light caught his eye - it was a comm-badge. 

"Major Kira," he felt sick. "I've found her comm-badge. I'm on my way to Ops." 

  
***

"I'll be as quick as I can." Kathryn was already half way to the turbolift when she heard the door to her quarters slide shut behind her. She started smiling to herself - this was working out better than she could have hoped. She was frantic to get the meeting with India Chapman over and done with, and get back to the evening with Chakotay. The smile refused to leave her face even though she shared the lift with two complete strangers. She stepped out onto the promenade level and paused to get her bearings. The doors swished closed behind her and she turned to head along the walkway, when somebody grabbed her by the arm twisting it painfully behind her, and clamped a hand over her mouth before she could cry out. She was pulled backwards past the lift into a dark alcove, struggling to keep her feet. She tried desperately to reach backwards with her free hand, and get a hold on something to free herself. A deep voice from in front of her stilled her struggles.   
"Captain, Captain. My colleague here could be persuaded to loosen his grip somewhat, provided I have your full cooperation of course." A coarse retort was on the tip of her tongue but she bit it back as a tall Cardassian stepped from the shadows, with a small disruptor trained on her. He reached out and plucked the comm-badge from her uniform, tossing it away. The hand was removed from her mouth, but she was still held fast. 

"Gul Durant." Her voice was heavy with grim recognition. 

"I'm honoured that you remember me Captain, but let's leave the niceties for another time yes?" 

"What do you want? Why are you treating me like this?" 

"I'd have thought that was obvious Captain. As yet there are no proceedings against myself and my crew, but it really is only a matter of time." He was smiling benignly all the time. 

"Well what am I meant to do about that?" Kathryn struggled to keep her panic under control, but this Gul was even more menacing, if possible, than the one who had captured her on Urtea II all those years ago. 

"Well I was going to suggest an arrangement that would have been beneficial for both of us, but it seems you're not exactly in the mood to be participate." Kathryn struggled again, against the hands holding her tightly; Durant raise the weapon a little, as if to remind her of her predicament. 

"If you think for one minute I would help you off the station-" she was getting angry now. 

"Oh I don't expect you to agree immediately my dear," Durant raised his disruptor to Kathryn's chin, forcing her head up and back. He began to caress her cheek with the muzzle. "Which is why I've brought along my friend here. Captain Janeway, meet Doctor Katrel." 

Doctor? A cold wave of sickness passed over Kathryn, but before she could engage her mind she heard the hiss of a hypospray near her left ear, and her vision grew blurred. 

"No!" She barely heard her own words before she lost consciousness. 

  
***

Kathryn drew in a frantic breath as she began to become aware of herself again. She realised she was lying face down on a hard surface; the room was dark. She strained her eyes and ears in an attempt to surmise where she was. From the leaden feel of her body she suspected a severe dose of sedative had been administered. She could hear a humming, but it was not engines. She must still be on the station - thank the gods - that was something at least. How long had she been unconscious? There was no way of telling. She made to stretch, her body stiff from being so still on this hard floor. She was greeted by a sharp pain in her neck at the very top of her spine, which caused her to cry out weakly. Gingerly, she reached up to the point of the pain. There was something there. The area was very tender to the touch, but she could just make out a hard disc, about three centimetres across, under the skin. Oh God, please no. She had to get out of here. She began to raise herself up on her arms, bringing her legs beneath her to sit up. She was on the floor. There was machinery in the room. Oh where was Chakotay? Would he be looking for her yet? Or did he think she'd left again? She heard the sound of metal on metal and a door opened, bright light streaming in and blinding her momentarily.   
"Where am I?" her mouth was dry and her voice rasped in her throat. 

"You're in the old ore refinery my dear. You forget that this is an old Cardassian station, and I know all of its little private' places." 

"Yes well my people are already looking for me." She rubbed her eyes. She was still groggy, but struggled to her feet. She cast her eyes quickly about her. Was there anything here to fight with? The were plenty of tools and bits of machinery if she could just get to them, but Kathryn suspected she wouldn't get far with this...this thing in her neck. Another sickening wave of panic threatened to shatter her control, but this time it was accompanied by a rising indignance and anger. After all she had been through, all she had conquered within herself, this Cardassian animal was not going to get the better of her. 

"Durant do what you will. I won't help you." She saw the Gul start. Her tone hadn't been defiant or heroic, even angry, just calm and matter-of-fact. She began to walk towards him. "If you turn me loose now, the Federation might be persuaded not to have you executed." Again he started, but then began to laugh. He turned partway around to call through the doorway. 

"Did you hear that Katrel -" It was all she needed. Grabbing the hydrospanner from the floor by her feet, she drew back and swung it at the side of the Gul's head with all of the strength she could muster. Katrel must have heard the muffled crunch of bone and cartilage, and the dull cry from Durant, because he came rushing into the room in a panic. They stood, squared off at one another. Kathryn brandished her weapon, watching him carefully. She saw his eyes drop briefly to Durant's hand and followed his gaze. The control to the thing in her neck. Both rushed at the same moment but Katrel was quicker. Kathryn froze as the pain coursed through her. Her hands went to her head, but the pain was everywhere. She dropped to her knees as every muscle, sinew and nerve screamed out in white hot pain. Her vision swam and became tinged with red, and she felt, rather than heard, herself yell, lungs bursting. Dimly, beyond her straining voice, she heard phaser fire, and hoped he had decided to kill her, and then she blacked out. 

As if she had only blinked, her eyes flew open and she tried to sit up. The only response from her body was a painful twitching, so she lay still. She was still on the cold, hard floor, but her head and shoulders were raised up, and somebody was stroking her hair and speaking to her. Chakotay! Her eyes flooded with tears of relief as she croaked out his name. 

"Oh Kathryn! Gods, don't you ever do that again you hear?" She felt him raining kisses down on her forehead but was too weak to smile. She was OK now, she could relax, Chakotay had found her. She felt strong arms picking her up, and then the familiar tingle of a transporter beam, before she slipped back into unconsciousness. 

On to Part Six   
  
Lines of poetry : from LOVE'S GROWTH by John Donne 


	6. Home : 6 & Epilogue

**HOME**  
Part Six 

OK, we're finally at the last part. Don't forget to mail me if you liked it, or even if you didn't, but don't be too harsh....:) 

_Today you grasped  
__the stars as  
they were slipping off  
the edge of my horizon  
and shook them back  
into the sky._

When Kathryn came to she realised that she was back in her quarters in the habitat ring. Instinctively, her hand reached up to where she had found the implant, but it was gone. Too tired and weak to raise herself immediately, she called to the computer for the time. It was 1900 hours - the next day - 24 hours since she had kissed Chakotay goodbye, promising that she wouldn't be long. A soft snoring coming from the main living area of the quarters told her that Chakotay was asleep on her sofa. He had done this so many times when they had lived together, especially towards the end, before she left. She would be agitated, upset, and eventually crying, unable to sleep. He would stroke her hair, her head in his lap, and when she was asleep he would move to the sofa so as not to disturb her. She wanted to see him; the only thing she could clearly remember amidst the stuporous memories of the last day - his voice, and the end of the pain. 

Pulling a robe around her she padded softly into the next room and over to where he lay. Dropping a cushion to the floor she sank down on her knees and watched him for a while. He must have sensed her presence, she thought, or at least that was being observed, for he soon grew restless, and began to wake. She smiled as he awoke, looking into his sleepy eyes. 

"Hi," she said simply, smiling. 

"Kathryn - you should have woken me up-" he began to rise. 

"Hush now, just relax, I'm fine." He lay back down but reached for her hand. "Thank you for finding me." 

"You're welcome." Both Kathryn and Chakotay sat quietly, absorbing all that was not being said. There was no need to attempt weak articulations when both knew no words would ever quite cover what had so recently transpired. Eventually Chakotay raised himself to a sitting position, rubbing his eyes. Kathryn made for the replicator, doubting that coffee existed that was strong enough for her needs right now. 

"So what's happened while I've been out?" 

Chakotay smiled wryly, he had known she would be asking dozens of questions, but the grin quickly dissipated. 

"Well, Durant is dead." 

"Dead? But - I was drugged! I didn't think I'd hit him that hard." 

Chakotay raised his eyebrows. 

"He was dead before we could get him to the infirmary. You and a hydrospanner make mean partners." He certainly hadn't meant it as a joke, and she certainly did not laugh, but a look in her eyes also told him that she wasn't unhappy that he was dead. 

"Sisco has confined all of the Cardassian crew to quarters and Odo has been questioning them. It seems there is a group within Starfleet itself who are trying to cause trouble for the Federation." 

"In Starfleet? Cause trouble?" Kathryn could not keep the sarcasm and incredulity from her voice. "Allying the Cardassians to the Romulans adds up to more than a little trouble!" 

"Anyhow," Chakotay made to calm her. "What's important is that we are free to leave now. I want to take you away for a while." 

"I can't go now!" He didn't argue, as if he'd fully expected this response. 

"Well OK, let's make a deal. We stick around long enough to hear what action is going to be taken, and then we go away." 

Kathryn smiled. He was doing it again, handling her. He had a gift for getting her to do what he wanted in a way that nobody else ever dreamed of, or dared. His trick was to start the bidding high, suggest something she would never agree to. That way, she would agree to what appeared to be the lesser' terms, in the interests of compromise, although it was usually precisely what he had had in mind in the first place. Her grin widened, her tacit approval of the plan a given. She picked up the two cups that had materialised in the replicator and brought them over to the sofa. 

"Why on earth did you sleep out here? You must have been terribly uncomfortable." 

"Well I didn't want to wake you. You needed your rest. Even that short exposure to that, that thing was a significant shock to your system, you need to rest up." He drained the cup Kathryn had given him and turned to her. "How are you feeling?" 

"Wonderful," she said quietly, and it was true. There was no pressing business ahead, no crew to look out for, nothing. Only Chakotay. He was, she could tell, wondering whether or not to believe her, most likely remembering how easy lying like this seemed to come to her. How could she prove to him that she was back on form? A smirk briefly graced her features, and she took Chakotay's hand, pulling him to stand before her. Silently she began to lead him away from the sofa and towards the bedroom from which she had just emerged. "Actually, I think maybe a little longer abed might do me some good." She turned from him and her hips swayed suggestively as she walked through the doorway. She was taken by surprise as Chakotay lunged for her and swept her into his arms. They both giggled breathlessly before collapsing onto her bed. Chakotay lay beside her, stroking her hair. 

"So how long would you say you'd need to stay in bed for?" 

"For a complete recovery?" she asked innocently, even as her fingers trailed down his torso to find the edge of his tunic. "For a complete recovery.....as long as it takes." 

  
***

Ten days later Kathryn still woke up feeling like a child at Christmas, because Chakotay was there. Slipping out of bed she got herself some coffee, and leaned against the bedroom's viewport. They could not see the wormhole from this side of the station, but Kathryn found the dusty scatter of stars just as beautiful. She named as many as she could, silently in her head, as she had often dreamed of doing on Voyager, but now it didn't seem so important. She smiled as she heard Chakotay roll over in the bed. What now? She certainly didn't feel like going back into active service. India Chapman's dealings in the weapons supply had left her suspicious of many people, and many people suspicious of her she imagined - she was an Admiral of the same generation after all. So what then? She new that she and Chakotay needed some time, some real time, just for them. But neither of them could be content doing nothing. That had been part of her original problem. Not for the first time her thoughts went back to the last night on Voyager, but now she was eager for the future.   
"Kathryn?" She turned at the almost-panic in his voice; he still worried. Well, that would take time. 

"I'm here Chakotay," she crossed to him. 

"Come back to bed." It was a low growl of a request. She complied. 

  
***  
***

  
_EPILOGUE_

"Laying in a course, heading 141.41 mark 2."   
"Bringing impulse engines on-line."  
"All systems operating within normal parameters." 

_"Aerend you are cleared for departure. Captain, Commander. Good Luck."_

The Aerend slipped gracefully from the upper pylon of DS9, taking one more pass of the station before her warp engines came on-line and she streaked out of sight. 

Captain Benjamin Sisco sat in his office at the centre of the huge station. They were quite a pair, and he was happy to have known them. Sad also, because it was quite unlikely that he would ever see them again. They had taken the news of Admiral Chapman's involvement, as well as that of many other high-ranking Fleet personnel, in the arms scandal very hard. Sisco knew where they were coming from - he had seen a different side to Starfleet during the Dominion occupation of this station, but his place was still here. They had decided differently. Their request for a science vessel and the accompanying proposal had been well met, although Benjamin suspected Owen Paris had his hand in there somehow. A flight plan had been filed, but a very basic one and only as far as the galactic rim. He sighed, and looked into the vast vacuum into which the Aerend and its two-man crew had just vanished. He knew where they were going. Finding earth hadn't necessarily been finding home for them, they were made of different stuff now, and there was a part of that journey home that was missing, a chapter they had been unable to reclaim. They were brave, he would give them that. Flinging themselves back onto the mercy of the Universe, in search of what he was not entirely sure. But he was certain that they knew exactly what they were seeking, and wished with all his being that they found it. 

~FIN~

Lines of poetry : from FIRE ROSES by Cynthia Fuller 


End file.
